Now that we are living in compartments, in our own constructed areas of influence, it is no more our concern to peep into other’s windows, knock at other’s doors, make eye contacts at the elevator, because we might have to return a smile forcefully. We have so much to gaurd, keep secrets and we are not willing to pay a price by disclosing our realities to be known to others. Checking on others even out of concern would mean we will have to give away a piece of our own selves, that which we do not want them to know. It happens at a point when the conversation finally gets so real and honest that we cannot help but finally confess to faults and later regret for allowing them a peek.
What will happen if others know our faults? What will happen if they know we are not upto the mark? They might judge, they might consider themselves as better than us. Does that take away our worth? When somone close to us at one point in life, chooses to give up on life, deep within we know how we are part of their reasons to leave. We become part of each other’s inner turmoil and ineffable sadness. So much happens while gaurding ourselves from each other’s judgement!
All these days I thought starting conversations with strangers is difficult, but it is even more difficult to do it with old friends. So many people are now pushed behind in my memory, I call them part of my past life. So many familiar ones have now turned into strangers, it is just impossible to feel the same warmth and comfort while exchanging responses. A great amount of hesitation has replaced the whole thing. I lost many acquaintances to the race set up my time, economy and society. Few live in the same city as I do and few live across seven seas, on the other side of the globe. But, it has to be this way, let it be. I am not going back to anyone and putting efforts in rebonding. It’ll prove to be futile because people have already travelled too far in the journey and no amount of persuading can make them come back. I will just let them go if they have to keep moving away. What I have to get over is this unsettling emotion that swings between wanting and not wanting to bond with them. I am waiting for the day when I become completely indifferent to other’s indifference.