A Self-Conversation : One quarter less of my life. Bring it on, next three…

19.39 February 3rd Tuesday 2015

You know? You think really too much!

19.47 February 3rd Tuesday 2015

Okay, that’s enough of thinking, start filling the page, you don’t have all night for this.

19.50 February 3rd Tuesday 2015

Mahitha!!! Come out! Come out now, out of those random thoughts!

Why are you screaming? I was creating a backup of my pictures. I have 11 GB of pictures! The thought of losing them gives me a shiver. Also, I need to think before I write. I was wondering if I should write to my past or to my future.

What are you scared of the most? past? or future?

My past is precious to me. It is a deep ocean of perspectives, a never ending story and I have no idea what future will look like. These days I am scared of my future. But, I think my past will help me survive even the toughest phases of my life. I was on the terrace in the evening. At 18.05 there was a large orange ball in the sky. The sun was setting, it was eye catchy. At 18.09 I saw the moon appearing faintly on the opposite side. I immediately turned around to look for the sun. It was gone, but the sky was still red and orange. It struck me then that nothing is permanent. We live life in the form of phases, the concept of diving life in to past and future is actually not that appropriate. It should be divided into phases. Time does not move, it stands still in its place. We are the ones who pass through it.

So, your past is not gone?

No, it stays with me. I am scared of forgetting my past. My roots, my life lessons, my mistakes, my pain, I love all of it

Do you think you can fall in love with your future as well?

20.17 February 3rd Tuesday 2015

Hello? You there? You’re lost in random stuff again?

You asked me a question didn’t you? I was thinking!

You are not thinking, dear. You are suffering with paranoia, that’s insane! Stop predicting things. Stop victimizing yourself in your thoughts. You can’t be so negative. You love yourself, don’t you?

I don’t know. I am not scared of living a tough life, I am courageous enough to give myself a good life. But, I am scared I might have to live through one. I am scared of being depressed at middle age. People scare me more than anything. I cannot imagine arguing with conservative, stubborn, ridiculous, orthodox, hypocritical, selfish, undemocratic and unfair people around me. Because future means dealing with new people who would enter into your life! A whole new social fabric to adjust with.

If this is your biggest fear, then you are fearing the unknown. It’s natural for a girl to be anxious about life after marriage. You might have to put up with most annoying kids and most non negotiable in-laws and an unloving, abusive husband. You might not have the time to even look at yourself in the mirror. You share such fears with all Indian girls. Are you going to be worried about natural events that happen in life? It is like not moving out of the house because you’re scared you might get hit by a car. You are brave enough to not compromise on your freedom and ambitions. You have every right to come out of it if you’re not happy. You are well aware of your rights. There is always a way out!

20.50 February 3rd Tuesday 2015

I am 25.

So?

One quarter less of mine.

So? You have three more left. There is a long life ahead.

I need to rush now. I am already lagging behind. My peers have been working since two years already while I am still shifting attention from one pursuit to another. My progress is taking time and my parents are very generous in being patient with me. What I will be 10 years down the line I have no idea!

You don’t have to follow the crowd, you know. By the time people have fat cash in their accounts, you might just begin. By the time people get rid of their monotonous jobs, you might start loving your work. By the time they have kids, you may be just married. By the time they think of buying insurance, you may be just spending away on books and travel. By the time they think of retiring and travelling, you would have already travelled half of the places and be continuing your pursuit of knowledge and passions.

What’s really bothering you?

Society

Don’t give a damn!

I think we are being too optimistic. We are just cancelling out everything.

Yes, we are cancelling out the social conditioning. Nobody decides for you, at least not all the time.

21.00 February 3rd Tuesday 2015

What is bothering you again?

I made a few wrong decisions after college. I have been aimless in college. I was dreamy and stupid. I got to meet girls and boys quite younger to me who are all beyond their age. They astound me with their creativity. I wonder why I haven’t been able to harness my potential and be what I wanted to be by now. My parents were always ready to spend money, except that it would take some effort to convince them.

You have already pursued what you like, you’re still doing it. You have already lived the life you wanted to. Probably this is why you’re friends are settled and you’re still in the struggling phase. It all happened for good. So why regret?

21. 11 February 3rd Tuesday 2015

So, is future bright?

Yes, your books will save you. After reading them, sell them at a second hand books stall. Save that money for travelling. And by the way be careful with the pictures, there are more to add.

Alright, I am all sorted.

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